Crazy Is as Crazy Does
by Lamat Lemon
Summary: Alex Rider finally meets his new mission partner when Laura, a hyperactive girl, twists the plot into a laugh out loud scenario. She will do anything, literally anything, to get him.
1. The Beauty Contest

**The Beauty Contest**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Alex Rider and the beloved Yassen Gregorovich are mine! Mwahahaha!**

**Anthony Horowitz: Don't you fret, Alex and Yassen, for I shall help you escape from the clutches of this madman…err….madwoman actually. To infinity and BEYOND!**

**Me: Oh yeah?! What will you do to make me hand over your, now illegally my, book characters, huh?**

**Anthony Horowitz: Well, I'll unleash the powers of Wonder Woman a.k.a Sabina Pleasure.**

**Me: NONONONONONONO! PLEASE NOOOOO! Anything but that hideous creature you thought of from God knows where! Okay, okay, I'll do it!**

**I hand over Alex and Yassen, but not without suing and being found guilty by reason of insanity. And that's how I'm being forced to write this disclaimer. 'Nuff said.**

**On with the story…**

After years of training, Katniss Everdeen finally made it to the MI6. Alex had chosen her as a partner for his next mission. Katniss boasted about it to Laura, who had anger, jealousy and envy burning in her heart. Laura was hiding behind the trees while Alex and Katniss were poised in position for a break in in some whoolabala factory. Alex reached for his gadgets; at the same time Katniss reached for hers. Their hands touched. That moment froze for centuries.

Laura screamed her lungs out, literally. "AAAaaaaaahh!" Katniss and Alex were both horrified by that sudden shout. Katniss clung tightly to Alex, and Alex let her. He was so terrified that he jumped on top of her. They both rumbled and dropped in the dense under growth of the jungle.

This was enough for Laura to trigger into madness. A tiny vein in her brain twitched and triggered a pulse that travelled to her superior venacava, which in turn generated a billion more, which resulted in an enormous discharge of glucose in her body. She roared like a wild lion and flame was in her eyes. She dropped to her hands and ran like a beast towards the spies now on the verge of wetting their designer pants (which in my opinion is NOT a great idea). They were jarred to the spot, in each other's arms. This agitated the Laura mutt even more. She ran through the wind, leaves and mud which covered her clothes and body. She was an epitome of Bigfoot or the Lochness monster, whichever is less appealing. She attacked them with wondrous energy. Poor Katniss Everdeen and Alex Rider were bewildered. Alex actually wet his gold plated cheddar cheese panties that were signed by Leonardo di Caprio.

"It's Bigfoot!", yelled Katniss. Alex screamed in a hideous voice, "Lets run away from it!" Katniss replied, "Dude. It's Bigfoot! LETS GET IT!" She stood up and caught hold of a rope she had conjured from nowhere. Katniss ran towards the beast. Laura lunged over her and ripped Katniss' throat apart with her bare teeth like Johanna Mason. Alex watched and fainted in an adorable manner (that is, if fainting could be adorable without bashing your skull from the fall).

Laura got to her feet and patted her clothes. Walking swiftly towards the befallen handsomeness, she leaned down. Leaned down, leaned down, and leaned down. And fell asleep.

The next morning Laura woke up to find herself locked in a prison cell. A grey man appeared out of nowhere. Laura jumped and said, "I'm Laura Myers and I'm not a terrorist." He said, " The name's Blunt. Alan Blunt." Laura was shocked. Blunt said, "Babe, you're lethal, mad and extremely awesome. You're a living weapon. You'll be even more famous than that stupid old pant wetter."

Laura wasn't shocked at what the man had said. She was stunned at his skin colour. She had seen black people, white people, yellow people, orange people, red people, blue people and green people. But she had never come across a grey. A combination of black and white she assumed. "You think I'm awesome?" Laura asked. "Well, that is what Anthony Horowitz told me to say to you. We are going to throw away Alex and recruit you from the CIA." The grey man said. "Whaaaaaaaat!" "Excuse me?" asked Alan. Laura replied, "Hasn't anyone told you that you never throw away good stuff?! You give them to people who deserve it." Blunt was very confused so he said, "Listen honey, it's alright, you can have all the MI6's garbage. Then will you work for us?"

Laura had lost her marbles by now. "You son of a puppy! I'm needy of Alex! Mene us sey shadi karni hai! (I want to marry him!)" Blunt said, "Beta, dekho, us ki mangni ho chuki hai ( Darling, look here, he's already engaged)" Laura couldn't bear it any longer. "You want me to work for you, is that right? So thy give thee the awesome Alex. Then thou thy thee thou work for thy" Blunt was paralyzed from his brain. He had never heard such fit English before. So he responded in broken English. "Uh… um… okay… talk me him to shadi (wedding) about." After completing this sentence, he left the room so that Laura could decode what the heck he had just mumbled.

Laura was alone. A lady came in. She had 37 peppermints stuffed in her mouth. Laura could assume the number by counting the odd bulges in the woman's hamster type cheeks. She said her name was Mrs Jonas Brothers. She said, "Alex still loves Sabina. Sabina Pleasure. America. Ninth Street, Wales Road. House number 108, Carla Drive. Phone number 001 029374 475. Yes, he still loves that brown haired, 6.5 foot long, yes six foot long, maiden. But I wouldn't expect you to be jealous. Don't mind if I add…..Alex spent last summer with her. I hope you have a nice day. Goodbye."

The next morning, Laura wasn't in her cell anymore.

Laura stood in the planned position. Just below the Pleasure's balcony. With a .22 mm Calvin and Klein rifle in one hand. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. She waited for the perfect moment. Sabina Pleasure. Beware.

She jumped to the window and waited. Waited, waited, waited. She officially became a waiter. She did not actually become a waiter but a bearer of great patience. That was when her eyes fell on the devil. She had to admit that Sabina had a very fit body. No wonder Alex liked her. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. She aimed. Her finger on the trigger of the gun. Just half an inch to move her finger and it would all be over.

Suddenly something hard jabbed her in the back. It was Alex, who had kicked her. Laura was dazed. She said, "What?" Alex stared at her and replied, "Where the heck were you?" "Huh?" he said, "You stupid blithering idiot, Mr Blunt arranged a baraat (wedding ceremony) for us. I even used touch me shaving cream for this special occasion. Oh, and guess what?! I even bought you gypsy amazing whitening lotion! And you never appeared!" Laura was taken aback. So she asked, "You…you agreed….You agreed to marry me!?" Alex said, "Huh? Who said anything about marriage? I was saying a baraat." Laura was angered, but she had to break it to him. "Kutte key bache (you son of a dog)! Baraat is marriage!" Alex dropped unconscious.

Laura slapped Alex's 10 kilogram head. Nothing happened. She pulled his hair. Nothing happened. She kicked at his you know where. Nothing happened. She realized that she could do anything and he wouldn't notice. So she…..she…so….so..she…she leaned over his blonde countenance. Brushed his hair off his face. She opened her hair so they fell over his face. She was staring at his face when he opened his eyes.

Once he was able to focus, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Alex. He was so scared that he scooted over to a corner and shielded himself with his hands. "Please, please, please! Oh witch of Alabaster! Don't eat me! I'm too young to die! Leave thy alone, leave thy alone!" Laura was furious. "It is me, you stupid dimwit. Me, Laura Myers!" "Oh," said Alex. Then, after a moment of reflection, he added, "Blunt told me that a baraat was some kind of beauty contest in which we had to say 'Kubool hai, kubool hai, kubool hai (I do accept, I do accept, I do accept, as in marriage vows) when we were ready to win. I don't think you stand any chance against me!"

"No offense." Laura got up on her toes and smacked his face. She held the unconscious boy and started her flying jet pack and flew away with the newly fainted baby to her nest.

THE END

Authors Note: OMG! Ok, so this is my first fanfiction and I'm new at it so just gimme some time to improve. I appreciate reviews and new ideas (staring at you pointedly. Yes, YOU!). Oh, and if you're wondering, Katniss over here is my BFF in real life (although I'm not in contact with reality very often) and a big hug to those who guessed that Laura is actually me. PLEASE send in reviews! Hope you enjoyed the short story!


	2. Utter Ridiculousness

**Utter Ridiculousness**

**Disclaimer: **** You know what?! Fine. I do not own any of Anthony –bloody-Horowitz's characters. I tried to get him drunk out of his mind so he could 'accidentally' hand over the copyright characters, but guess what!? It didn't work. So much for writing my own book using Alex and Yassen. :/**

**Now for the actual story…**

Laura daydreams 24 out of 24 hours of her puny lifestyle. And all her dreams are made of a very important secret ingredient. An Alex.

Frequently Asked Questions regarding 'an Alex'.

How to get an Alex?

An Alex is an undergraduate and therefore cheap and easily available. It can be available for around 99 cents at an intelligence agency or terrorist organization.

How is an Alex formed?

Scientifically speaking: - Upon extreme consideration, due to the hot heat from the hot sun, that forms a hot, rather burning Alex.

Is an Alex a matter of prestige?

The food that you produce as a result of the use of an Alex, certainly is! Terms and conditions apply.

How do you recognize one?

Duh. When you see it, of course. Blonde eyes and brown hair. Oh, wait a minute…..brown eyes and blonde hair. See what I just did there!?

Is it easy to catch?

Depends. It weighs 6000 kilos and the problem is that you have to find a wheel barrow, and by a wheel barrow I mean a truck and a trailer. Its natural habitat is near bombs or wherever you'll find trouble. Like the Russian mafia, Taliban, al Qaeda, Scorpia, Chinese triads and so on and so forth.

Is there _any_ easy way?!

Yes. An Alex shows a particular distaste to a Laura and an electrostatic force of attraction to an Isabelle (at times, only during certain periods and at regular intervals). First step is to closely observe an Alex's eating and brooding habits. Then place a Laura at one end and an Isabelle at the other.

Good luck catching an Alex!*

*For a limited time offer. Get yours quick!

FIN

Authors Note: See that box next to this? It is used for 'reviews'. If you didn't know, reviews are your opinion on the story. First, type whatever you thought of the story. Then just press the little post button. Don't worry; nothing will go wrong once you press the button. Okay dearies?! NOW I EXPEXT YOU TO USE IT! And Isabelle is my other best friend!


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